Listen;

I should get an award for navigating an internet browser with over 30 tabs open at once. 

This would be my award

I had this really bizarre dream last night. 

First of all, it took place at my grandparents’ house down the shore, where they live on the bay. It wasn’t exactly the same as the way the house looks in real life but in the dream I knew where I was. My little cousins were playing in the water and me and the parents were on the docks. Then, a baby orca swam past us and we were all like ‘Aww look how cute that baby orca is’. So once it swam by us and then the kids in the water, we looked back towards the direction it came from and there was this giant, long snout with sharp teeth and then we realized it was this huge sea monster. And of course, then we were freaking out like ‘Oh god, what is that?’ and then ‘Oh god, the kids are in the bay!’. So, as-per-usual me in my dreams, I decided to be the hero and jumped into the water to help my baby cousins swim away. But as I was helping them to get to the docks, the monster noticed us and started coming our way. I tried the best I could to get them up on the dock from in the water but the monster’s jaws are breathing on my neck. I pushed back on its bottom jaw as hard as I could to keep it from biting us and eventually had to duck down under the water to avoid the pressure. When I came up, the monster was beached on the dock. But we noticed the kids were gone. The monster had eaten them! 

We gathered around the monster, upset about what happened. But I came to realize that maybe if the monster was dead the kids could still be alive inside. So we started knocking on the sides of the beast and calling for the children, when finally we heard them calling back from inside the throat. On further investigation, we found a way to get inside the monster only to find it really was no monster after all; it was some sort of disguised submarine! The insides were decorated like an traditional ship, nautical and constructed with drift-wood. A study with a globe was the central room, and as I stood there a man approached the doorway. 

I soon came to recognize the man. He was slightly shorter than I, with walrus like whiskers and a pair of glasses rested on his nose. It was Theodore Roosevelt! But a much younger version than the presidential one we are accustomed to seeing. I questioned him, about the monster and about the kids. He attempted to subvert my questioning with seduction, which believe me was weird because being seduced in a dream by a young Teddy Roosevelt in a submarine is just weird. Anyway, his attempts did not divert my attention to my mission in saving the kids and luckily I was able to find them and escape. 

Still not sure what Roosevelt was doing in a monster shaped submarine, stealing children. But then again, this is coming from my head so I’m not terribly surprised. 

I had this dream last night that me and my friend Dave were a team on a Face-Off challenge and we had to make a prosthetic for a child but when it came out of the mold it wasn’t foam, it was pancakes or cake. So the cake was falling all over and I was suggesting we use icing to fill in the cracks and gaps and it was a delicious disaster.

But then! I was part of this singing group or band or whatever (I think I was bassist and vocals) and we were actually good and we sang like 5 songs and I want the lyrics! I can’t remember them for the life of me.

I also have a tendency to dream about my ex (oh god I have 2 of those how do I specify) Steph in weird situations. At first I was running barefoot in the rain and it was a beautiful moment because I was running really fast and it felt very freeing. And then I made it to the docks. And it was like we were 16 again. And we were swimming and climbing on the boat-raisers and then were on the beach getting pounded by the waves. She was also in a dream the other night where she let me drive her car and I was really bad and kept crashing into things but the entire time she was just really happy and dying of laughter in the trunk.

Awoken by the exterminator knocking on the door to remove the traps in our apartment since we actually don’t have any mice. I saw one last week when we were having a really bad rain and wind storm so I suppose the little butt was freaked out and came in through the broken door sweep. Luckily, no sight of him since and the door sweep is fixed.

I had another weird dream, though I can’t remember all of it. 

I have to say; one cool part was the way my room was. As apposed to being on the second floor, my room was in the basement. It wasn’t dark or stuffy because the windows were half ones. And then I had a fabulous bathroom with a huge tile and glass shower and I was just laying on the floor of my shower. And then Jackie came over and it was nice. 

The second part was a bit stranger. Me and a few friends were sitting outside at round collapsible tables, with table clothes and balloons and food sort of like a party. And then randomly, two tables of these friends just up and left. I was pissed because I was like “ugh how rude” but then a little while later I realized that they had moved over to some grassy area and were lying on towels and wearing bathing suits. And some were drunk. Which I supposed I also deemed a little aggravating. But then I came upon a little cabin and there were two great danes poking their heads out from the windows. It was so hot and they were panting so I felt bad and began to fan them with a towel. Unexpectedly, a beehive of bees began to swarm after me. I ran, the towel trailing behind me, past the tables. I grabbed Jackie’s attention in my frantic running and yelling “The bees are after me!” and she began to run along with me. We laughed a bit about how ridiculous this was. We ran and ran and suddenly we were on asphalt running uphill on a driveway and suddenly there were headlights. This makeshift little soap-box batman-mobile came barreling down the hill, swerving all the while in my direction. I tried avoiding it, but the cart changed direction to accommodate. And then it stopped directly in from of me and I smashed my palms against the front. The old man in the seat gave me a crazy, challenging, sort of amused look and drove around me and down the rest of the hill and out of sight. 

I had a weird dream last night that my high school and some of my friends that didn’t even go to my school were going to my high school and there was this weird occurrance and a lot of us ended up gaining super powers. I became paranoid for some reason that they were going to kill me so I began making a journal with entries detailing the best ways to defeat all of my friends, depending on their location, special abilities, skill levels, relationship to me, etc. And it was pretty morbid to think I would kill my friends. But then my mom found the book and was like “What is this?” because I guess nobody knew about our superpowers and also it must be surprising to find your daughter plotting the death of her friends. 

IN the end, there was a bit of fighting and running away and then making alliances with some of them instead of killing them and flying towards a huge blimp in the night sky that turns out to not be the moon and yeah. 

My super power was velocity manipulation, which meant I could move things around but I also could fly. Which was pretty sweet. 

My roommate tried to kill me. 

Yeah. That’s sort of frightening. You can imagine how unsettled I felt waking up in the morning and being in the same room with the same roommate. 

Well, let’s detail the dream. Shall we? 

I was sleeping in my dream and then woke up facing my roommate. But the beds were pushed together and we swapped beds. She was sleeping, but then she woke up and started yelling at me. 

“What are you doing!? You don’t understand how annoying the sound is that you make!”

I was really confused. “What sound? What are you talking about?”

And then she lunged toward me and I freaked out and tried to escape. There was a lot of grappling and sheets and then suddenly she was trying to molest me? I don’t know, but there was definitely some awkward dry-humping and groping in there. I finally got away, absolutely freaked out, and as I tried to get out the door she grabbed onto my ankle. As she held me there, she grabbed a scissor and threatened to stab me with it. I can’t exactly remember the actual stabbing, but I feel she definitely did do it or it was about to happen before my memory of the dream cuts off. 

So yeah. That was a scary-ass dream and not sure how to feel about it. 

Why can’t I have a dream where I’m a Roman Emperor again? Oh wait… people wanted me dead in that one too. Damn. 

My dream was really fucking weird last night. Like, REALLY FUCKING WEIRD.

So in this one, I was at the beach once again, but this time I was with two friends (dream ones). One of them was attempting to fish but didn’t throw the line out far enough. My other friend could barely deal with the waves. Why is everyone so pathetic and I have to save the day? It’s a common occurrence in my dreams. Maybe I hope to be more in charge and a strong leader. I’m not sure, but all I know is that I’m usually the pathetic one. Since my friends were sort of failing, I took the fishing rod and cast it out further and then the friend that was falling all over the place grabbed on to me. She must have been really light or I was obnoxiously strong because it wasn’t much of an issue. So then, I finally reel in the fish and it turns out to be a puffer fish. 

Now, I recently watched a show (in awake life) about fugu in Japan and how poisonous their internal organs and eyes are. It crazy how people go through so much trouble to catch them, handle them, and prepare them to eat. But the good part about the fugu trade is that you make a shit ton of money since the fish is so expensive. So that’s always cool. 

Dream me was like “Hey! I can make good money off this thing.” so I plan to bring it home. My home is a beach house a few houses off the sand and a good amount of my family is there. They are all really excited about the puffer fish and want to see it. But there are two problems: 1) I have to keep it alive so that I can sell it alive and make my money and 2) I’m super paranoid about people getting poisoned by this puffer fish’s eyes. The first part is relatively easy. Puffers can stay alive above water for a few hours. The second part is a little more tricky. I guess my family is a little stupid because they keep going near the fish and almost getting poisoned and dying. I’m kind of freaking out all over the place. The fish is also being really annoying in the fact that it’s trying to escape every chance that it can. 

My family finally makes dinner after my grandpa and brother almost nearly get poisoned and I’m still trying to contain the damn fish. At this point I have it under a little side table surrounded by chairs, but it keeps managing to wiggle through. Now, this part is a little confusing and doesn’t make all too much sense to me. The puffer fish sort of alternates between being a fish and a cat. Why a cat? I don’t know, but even in cat form it is still a puffer fish. Go figure. So after a while of struggling, I get so frustrated that I take the puffer fish/cat and go outside with it. My point of view changes so that I have a view from inside the house of what I’m doing outside the house. Mostly, all you can see from the window is this cat head fly down the street. So, yeah. I killed the fish/cat. And that’s how that part ends. 

Then the dream flashes forward as if I’m now older and have kids. I’m shopping with a friend of mine and I suddenly notice that the store is filled with puffer fish merchandise. I start freaking out, remembering my traumatic experience from years past. My friend explains to me that puffer fish are a symbol of good luck, sort of like a praying mantis, and that if you kill one you get bad luck. This part of the dream reminds me of the ending of a bad scary movie when the survivors think it’s all done and that they are safe but they AREN’T. THE PUFFER FISH WILL SEEK IT’S REVENGE ON ME. 

I believe I’m on a roll with these dreams. I like it.

So the first dream took place at the beach. The beach is of literal epic proportions, including vast expanses of sand, huge shore houses lined up right at the water’s edge that are standing up on stilts, and gigantic waves. Set up in the ocean is this huge white bleacher sort of thing. It somewhat resembles third style fresco, flimsy and tall but with structural stability in a way that despite the pounding waves it manages to stay up. It isn’t static, though. The poles that the benches are attached to bend and move around in the surf. Like bleachers, the benches ascend and some are significantly above the water while others are underneath. During this part in the dream, I’m doing a lot of jumping and splashing. The waves are sort of knocking me around but I don’t seem all too bothered.

Afterward, I was driving a vehicle of some kind. I wasn’t exactly contained like in a car but it appears that it was really tall and sort of on stilts. They were pretty narrow and I think I’m seeing some sort of pattern between this one and the dream before. With the vehicle, I had these blueprints and instructions and manuals and I was trying to figure out the timing of when to flip over the car in front of me. I didn’t want to flip the car, I wanted my car to do a flip and go over that one. Sadly, someone stole my instructions away and I was upset and didn’t get to do my flip.

I’m pretty sure the last part consisted of me strolling through tumblr, except the format for text posts was a little weird. It’s just odd, though, because it really felt sort of real and the posts were all made up in my head.