Listen;

I had this really bizarre dream last night. 

First of all, it took place at my grandparents’ house down the shore, where they live on the bay. It wasn’t exactly the same as the way the house looks in real life but in the dream I knew where I was. My little cousins were playing in the water and me and the parents were on the docks. Then, a baby orca swam past us and we were all like ‘Aww look how cute that baby orca is’. So once it swam by us and then the kids in the water, we looked back towards the direction it came from and there was this giant, long snout with sharp teeth and then we realized it was this huge sea monster. And of course, then we were freaking out like ‘Oh god, what is that?’ and then ‘Oh god, the kids are in the bay!’. So, as-per-usual me in my dreams, I decided to be the hero and jumped into the water to help my baby cousins swim away. But as I was helping them to get to the docks, the monster noticed us and started coming our way. I tried the best I could to get them up on the dock from in the water but the monster’s jaws are breathing on my neck. I pushed back on its bottom jaw as hard as I could to keep it from biting us and eventually had to duck down under the water to avoid the pressure. When I came up, the monster was beached on the dock. But we noticed the kids were gone. The monster had eaten them! 

We gathered around the monster, upset about what happened. But I came to realize that maybe if the monster was dead the kids could still be alive inside. So we started knocking on the sides of the beast and calling for the children, when finally we heard them calling back from inside the throat. On further investigation, we found a way to get inside the monster only to find it really was no monster after all; it was some sort of disguised submarine! The insides were decorated like an traditional ship, nautical and constructed with drift-wood. A study with a globe was the central room, and as I stood there a man approached the doorway. 

I soon came to recognize the man. He was slightly shorter than I, with walrus like whiskers and a pair of glasses rested on his nose. It was Theodore Roosevelt! But a much younger version than the presidential one we are accustomed to seeing. I questioned him, about the monster and about the kids. He attempted to subvert my questioning with seduction, which believe me was weird because being seduced in a dream by a young Teddy Roosevelt in a submarine is just weird. Anyway, his attempts did not divert my attention to my mission in saving the kids and luckily I was able to find them and escape. 

Still not sure what Roosevelt was doing in a monster shaped submarine, stealing children. But then again, this is coming from my head so I’m not terribly surprised. 

I had this dream last night that me and my friend Dave were a team on a Face-Off challenge and we had to make a prosthetic for a child but when it came out of the mold it wasn’t foam, it was pancakes or cake. So the cake was falling all over and I was suggesting we use icing to fill in the cracks and gaps and it was a delicious disaster.

But then! I was part of this singing group or band or whatever (I think I was bassist and vocals) and we were actually good and we sang like 5 songs and I want the lyrics! I can’t remember them for the life of me.

I also have a tendency to dream about my ex (oh god I have 2 of those how do I specify) Steph in weird situations. At first I was running barefoot in the rain and it was a beautiful moment because I was running really fast and it felt very freeing. And then I made it to the docks. And it was like we were 16 again. And we were swimming and climbing on the boat-raisers and then were on the beach getting pounded by the waves. She was also in a dream the other night where she let me drive her car and I was really bad and kept crashing into things but the entire time she was just really happy and dying of laughter in the trunk.

Awoken by the exterminator knocking on the door to remove the traps in our apartment since we actually don’t have any mice. I saw one last week when we were having a really bad rain and wind storm so I suppose the little butt was freaked out and came in through the broken door sweep. Luckily, no sight of him since and the door sweep is fixed.

I’ve been having some really fucking weird dreams lately. 

Also, there was a lot of making out for some reason. 

• being a member of a fashion/ clothes designing competition and then being voted off after a supposed “Lip-sync For Your Life” by RuPaul herrrrrrself! Then only to be told that it wasn’t a lip-sync and dance, but I was also supposed to sing. Which explains why RuPaul was all “You should raise the volume”, and also commented on my lack of experience in dancing in 7 in heels. Whatever. I was really pissed. 
• wearing a ginormous man shirt with backwards pants. Heh. idk. 
• Emma Watson getting lost, getting scared, and attempting camouflage by hiding in a stagnant puddle with bugs and fish and ugh it was creepy. And then she was like, dead? And I could hear the story from the point of view of the fish. And the fish were all “We had our babies and as mothers we had to hide for the next set of babies so we buried ourselves under the skin of the human” and even though it was a dream, I could physically feel the bumps under my skin along the left side of my body. I was Emma Watson now apparently. And then the time skips, either forward or back. And I’m still Emma and I’m playing with a dog and I go wandering again and stuff. 
• Me and this dude, who I guess I wanted to kiss but not allowed to, are sitting in bleachers somewhere. And we end up kissing each other, with with this cardboard between our faces. So we weren’t even kissing but making out with cardboard. This sequence of the dream went on for far too long and was still oddly satisfying at the end… ew. 
• I was in a friend’s car, though it wasn’t her car but a Jeep/ hummer sort of vehicle and the friend was driving and I was in the passenger seat and my grandmother was in the back for some reason. And then there was an accident, involving out car to get pinned in between two big buses. We were pretty stuck and started crying and hugging for some reason. 

And yesterday was also filled with a bunch of random dreams too. One was really interesting and I liked it a lot but I’m too lazy to type and really have to pee. 

I had another weird dream, though I can’t remember all of it. 

I have to say; one cool part was the way my room was. As apposed to being on the second floor, my room was in the basement. It wasn’t dark or stuffy because the windows were half ones. And then I had a fabulous bathroom with a huge tile and glass shower and I was just laying on the floor of my shower. And then Jackie came over and it was nice. 

The second part was a bit stranger. Me and a few friends were sitting outside at round collapsible tables, with table clothes and balloons and food sort of like a party. And then randomly, two tables of these friends just up and left. I was pissed because I was like “ugh how rude” but then a little while later I realized that they had moved over to some grassy area and were lying on towels and wearing bathing suits. And some were drunk. Which I supposed I also deemed a little aggravating. But then I came upon a little cabin and there were two great danes poking their heads out from the windows. It was so hot and they were panting so I felt bad and began to fan them with a towel. Unexpectedly, a beehive of bees began to swarm after me. I ran, the towel trailing behind me, past the tables. I grabbed Jackie’s attention in my frantic running and yelling “The bees are after me!” and she began to run along with me. We laughed a bit about how ridiculous this was. We ran and ran and suddenly we were on asphalt running uphill on a driveway and suddenly there were headlights. This makeshift little soap-box batman-mobile came barreling down the hill, swerving all the while in my direction. I tried avoiding it, but the cart changed direction to accommodate. And then it stopped directly in from of me and I smashed my palms against the front. The old man in the seat gave me a crazy, challenging, sort of amused look and drove around me and down the rest of the hill and out of sight. 

I had a pretty strange dream last night. It had something to do with a crime fighting ant creature, which I went in and out of conceptualizing/designing for a cartoon concept or I was. I also had three envelopes full of dead ants and bugs for some reason; I suppose they were going to be used as reference. 

But there was a part where I got an email from this guy who agreed to help me make this show happen, and he said there was some way to make it with the help of Craig Bartlett (the man behind Hey Arnold!). So we went to work, and we started working on this character and I was going to voice it. And then I was the ant and I was fighting someone in an abandoned warehouse. 

And then that sequence ended. 

We were at the bakery; by we I mean me, my brother, and my mother. They were making these huge tower cakes. The environment felt pretty hostile. Makes sense… Though a majority of the bakery girls spoke to us quietly and sympathetically. Suddenly, my brother and mom were in some sort of bucket in some random steam-punk room that was part of the bakery and had ovens and stuff and I was lifting them by ropes as a work out. An older man, whom I assumed to be my “fencing coach”, counted down the reps in a British accent. 

Afterwards, there was another skip and I found a whole stash of my brother’s alcohol which was hid inside flasks, metal canteens, and water bottles all with his college’s logo on them. I was tempted to steal them but didn’t. 

I had a weird dream last night that my high school and some of my friends that didn’t even go to my school were going to my high school and there was this weird occurrance and a lot of us ended up gaining super powers. I became paranoid for some reason that they were going to kill me so I began making a journal with entries detailing the best ways to defeat all of my friends, depending on their location, special abilities, skill levels, relationship to me, etc. And it was pretty morbid to think I would kill my friends. But then my mom found the book and was like “What is this?” because I guess nobody knew about our superpowers and also it must be surprising to find your daughter plotting the death of her friends. 

IN the end, there was a bit of fighting and running away and then making alliances with some of them instead of killing them and flying towards a huge blimp in the night sky that turns out to not be the moon and yeah. 

My super power was velocity manipulation, which meant I could move things around but I also could fly. Which was pretty sweet. 

I had just arrived at college and then these three girls I went to high school with asked me if I wanted to go shopping with them. I did, so we all got into this one girl’s plane that had interior very similar to my mom’s car. It was really tiny and then we were flying and whatever and I didn’t have a seat belt on or anything because I guess I’m dumb. Then the girl flying the plane decided to do a flip, which was fine, but then we started nose diving and she had to pull up really hard. This didn’t help all too much because we were still falling at a pretty good speed. She started yelling “Bump! Big bump!” kind of like the guide I had on my rafting trip in Colorado. While falling, I awaited the impact and worried about the way the impact could hurt my jaw or if I would accidentally bite my tongue. I didn’t even care that I still didn’t have a seat belt on. Once we hit, we started rolling in a fashion similar to somersaults which would be impossible for the plane to do. Then the girl who was driving started yelling “One of the ends is probably going to break off.” and right after she said this, I could hear a crumbling behind me as the plane broke. We finally came to a halt and we climbed out of the mess. We were all fine and then we sort of went on our merry way. 

The next part took place in this open area with a large pool of water that you could sit around and and people were walking and there were benches and food stands and canopies with bleachers beneath them. It was somewhat like a video game when we started shooting objects flying in the sky overhead. There were different types of guns that we were all using. I had a small handgun and I was able to shoot the planes down anyway. Then my dad was flying I think, and he picked me up from under my shoulders and we sort of were flying all around for a little. My family was with me and they laughed as we came down low and I made believe I was running at super speed or on water. When this ended, I joined everyone else that had already gotten ice cream from this one stand. The girl working there was cute, with long wavy brown hair. I was a little bothered by the menu though because one section was titled “You want a boyfriend, right?” and then all the options underneath were low fat or made with fruit. I don’t recall what I ordered. 

My dream was really fucking weird last night. Like, REALLY FUCKING WEIRD.

I’m tired of pussy footing my posts. If I write something, I’m going to put it here (at least for the most part) without feeling uncertainty or shame or fear. I wrote the following this morning when I woke up and, as you can tell from the beginning, I was not keen on letting anyone in on what I felt or thought. I’ve written this blog for me and for my own devices, as a memory bank as well as an outlet. For creativity and for collecting all my current interests, desires, hardships, and inner calamities. 

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

Dr. Suess

The dream I had last night really struck a cord, though I don’t think I can talk about it to certain people. I don’t even know if I want to mention it to anybody. It’s reflective of my loss of Steph and Jen, but it’s weird because I appear overly desperate and victimized and I’m just fighting myself and others to prove that I’m worth something to them. In the first dream, it was the last day of school. The setting was (my high school), but it also looked a bit like (my grammar school) as well. I suppose this reflects the origins of where I met both Jen and Steph. It was the last day and all the seniors had run off on their merry way but I dilly dallied for some reason just thinking about things. I was thinking about where I was, who I had as part of my life, and then I started losing my bearings. My sight was completely obstructed by blotchy bursts of white and black and I was very close to passing out. Unable to walk or see, I sat down in a corner of a door opening. I was panting and unsure of what to do or of my surroundings. A teacher then approached me to help. I could somewhat see people during this part but I was drifting in and out of the black out. More people gathered and I struggled to pull myself together. When I turned my head to see who had touched my shoulder, I saw the familiar left leg of Jen. I knew that Steph was behind her, slightly to her right. I don’t even think I looked at their faces and I frantically fell over onto Jen’s leg and attempted to grasp it for some kind of comfort or help or maybe a way to prop myself up with the assistance of someone I knew. Jen backed away at this, and I was left lying on the floor. I was crying at this point, and still very delirious. Then, I was lifted by my arms to my feet and I was being dragged away from my niche. When I regained sight, my head was rested on Steph’s right shoulder and her cheek rested on my forehead. It’s strange how in dreams you can remember these sensations from real life. I can remember the feel of Jen’s calves or that of the place in Steph’s neck where she could rest her face on mine and then I remembered the way my lips could grace so close to hers but not actually touch. She salivated, or I salivated. I’m not sure. I grabbed onto her tighter and buried my head deeper into her shoulder. She turned her head away from me. I feel like Jen was near, but it felt like she was distant and I don’t think I saw her again throughout the rest of the dream.

This segment of the dream cuts off in my memory after what I’ve already discussed. It then cuts forward and it’s as if I’m living in some sort of resort. There is a part where I have these two friends and there is a couch and a TV and we are deciding on what movie to watch or what board game to play or something. I can’t really remember this part so well because in the dream I was trying to sleep on the couch. I do remember Steph walking into the room, holding the hand of a girl wearing a flowing blouse and then she sort of awkwardly introduced her as her… I don’t think she said it was her “girlfriend” but it was some kind of equivalent of this and they were, one way or another, “together”. I suppose she felt that I should know, but was also scared of how I would react. I can remember her thinking I’d be disappointed or upset if she started dating Rachel. To me, her dating another girl was the least of the worries. Little did I know, when she would start dating Megan I wouldn’t be able to sleep and would be crying most of the night and then looking at things from my past to cheer me up and distract me. So in the dream, I was a bit bothered I guess and I was mostly bothered because this girl was giving me this death stare light she wanted to rip my balls off and the whole thing was just sort of uncomfortable. Later on, I walked out to the pool area and I guess a bunch of girls were out in the pool, including Steph and this girl she was with. Before I know it, the girl and a few of her friends start pushing me around and mouthing at me and then it breaks out into this big fight and I’m trying really hard to get them off me but there are a lot of them and only one of me. Throughout the fray, I catch glimpses of Steph while she stands in the pool and watches on. I can’t tell how she feels about this whole situation, but I’m searching for some sympathy from her. I waiting for her to yell to her friends to stop. I’m waiting for her to jump out of the pool and shield me. I’m waiting for all these things, but I’m left alone to fight these other girls and punch my pathetic punches and slip and have legs like bamboo that seem to have no affect in helping me run away. There are just hands and shins and fists and faces and hair. Skin upon skin; limbs upon limbs; blow upon blow. 

My memory of the dream ends here. I don’t recall the fight ending. I don’t recall who wins. I don’t recall if I was ever rescued or not, but I have a feeling that it was never going to come. I was fighting it on my own and I was going to have to fight it on my own. These dreams bother me because they take buried memories and emotions and play with them through desperate scenarios. I really hate it because when I wake up, I’m not sure what to believe at first. I know better than to think I still want these things or can even have them at all. I’m smart enough to realize that dreams do often bring up old sentiments. I’m also smart enough to know that these old sentiments can still mean something, even if they aren’t felt in immediacy. My experiences with both Jen and Steph have shaped my character and my catalog of experiences and understanding. They have given me the opportunity to feel things that I had never felt or thought I could feel before. They were people to hold and people to trust and people to cry to when I didn’t want to cry to the world or even to myself. I learned to forgive, I learned to forget. I realized that I’m capable of great things if I don’t let my lesser features take precedence. I felt rushing lust and a raging desire, fueled my adrenaline that created a shaking in my core. But most of all, I learned how to love and care and feel the highest amount of thanks to have them as part of my life. Those feelings, cherished yet gone, will always have shaped me into something better. Always.  

Last night, the dreams were really unrelated and random. I’m not going to put them in any specific order because it doesn’t matter anyway. 

I was at some cafe eating some stuff and then I looked across what was like a boardwalk to see these two people trying to play DDR. The thing is, they didn’t know how to play it at all. There was a girl playing the guitar for some reason and then the guy was singing and sort of dancing. But then the guy wasn’t dancing anymore. He was singing on a bed. And I was sort of watching him because he was so terrible and it was funny and I was really confused. After the song ended, he came over to where we were sitting in this cafe and started asking what I was eating. I didn’t know. And then he was creepily standing there watching me and I felt pretty uncomfortable but then again that was probably because I had been watching him. Then he finally said “I hope that you enjoyed my performance.” and then he walked away. And that was the end of that. 

If you put dragon fighting in a Quidditch playing ground, then you’ll sort of understand the setting and events of this dream. There was a lot of fighting, and I mostly was hiding at a higher place trying to avoid all these dragons and stuff. But then one of them attacked me and I ended up being on the floor with these other people. So I’m running around and then I get cornered by a dragon that swoops down and grabs me with it’s foot. As it picks me up, I just magically pull a wand out and say some sort of spell and that seemed to work. And then there were people in this dream that I knew. They didn’t really do anything. They were just there. 

This part was strange because I think I was conscious of my dreaming or maybe it was just part of the dream that I believed I was conscious of the dream and in control. The point is, I called the shots. Nothing spectacular happened, but it’s simplicity sort of made this my favorite part of my dreaming. It was dark; completely dark. I think I was lying down but I can’t really remember anything beneath me. It occurred to me that I was dreaming and that I could do whatever I wanted. With this realization, my decision was to reach out my hand and hold another. Everything was dark and all I could see was my hand and this other hand and I could feel it beneath mine and it was nice and I guess that was really all I wanted. 

Lastly, I was at a house that somewhat reminded me of a beach house just in it’s decorum and wood paneling and the way the air felt in it. I was at this old wooden desk, drawing. Someone was in the shower upstairs. I was waiting for them, I think. Then this woman came in with a bag of salt crystals. They were like little rocks and were slightly different in color, each with a small label on them. I took one out of the bag and started rubbing these salts all over the desk, leaving imprints. I continued to draw and I can’t really remember if the person came out of the shower, but I remember leaving the house.